Jesus is Not My Boss
“I don’t want to work for the Lord. I want to belong to Him.”
Several months ago, someone who came to visit our mission base in Haiti said this, and it has stuck with me ever since. After a ton of prayer, I feel like God is reminding me who He really created me to be. I think this struck me because recently, if I am honest, I have been tiring myself out trying to work for the Lord.
The word “leadership” has come up a lot in the past few years of my life. For some reason I felt like this was what people were telling me I needed to be. I thought that I had to lead something in order to have value. If I wasn’t given something to lead, it must be because I was doing something wrong, and maybe no one had the guts to tell me exactly what that “something” was. I lived in constant fear of disappointing others. I thought that if I wasn’t leading, then I must be failing. As someone who does not have a leadership title, I then spent the better part of two or three years feeling like I was failing most days.
It’s amazing to me that even as a missionary, praying a ton every day, a twisted mindset like this could somehow still enter into my mind.
I used to think that my job as a missionary was simply to love. There was a time that I was happy to serve, be little, and seek to be unnoticed. I used to think that my prayer was a gifted time of loving the Lord and being loved by Him. I used to rejoice in the knowledge that I am a human being, and not a “human doing”.
When all of this leadership language started happening around me, all of this changed. I started trying to accomplish things for God. I felt that I had to DO something well in order to matter to Him, and in order to matter to others. I started trying to earn His love, and everyone else’s love too. My prayer became less about loving God and letting him love me, and more about planning what I could do for Him that day. Even if I did accomplish something, do something well, or was affirmed by someone for something that I did, it didn’t ever feel like enough. I always felt like I needed to do more. I felt that if I only could do something perfectly, then I would be loved perfectly too. Everything became twisted.
Recently, I had a breakdown, breakthrough moment with the Lord, and decided to give it all up. I am tired of feeling a pressure to strive for something that makes me feel tired, anxious, and insecure. I miss the feeling of freedom that I used to have in the Father’s arms, before I thought that “leadership” mattered.
“I don’t want to work for the Lord. I want to belong to Him.” I don’t want to lead others. I want to love them. I don’t want to feel the need to prove myself by a position, but instead to lose my life (and all the social expectations that go along with it) for the Gospel. I want to live freely as the child of God that He created me to be. I don’t want to live according to the expectations of others. I do not belong to the world. I belong to the Lord. He is the one who tells me who to be.
So I have decided to throw out the word “leadership”, at least in the way that I have known it recently. If I have the courage to be who God calls me to be, then that is enough. If I have the courage to love how God calls me to love, then that is enough.
I will not strive for greatness but for littleness, so that I can be picked up in the arms of Jesus and carried to Heaven (thank you, St. Therese), because I cannot earn my way there with titles and accomplishments.
I am okay with a life that doesn’t make sense to the world, because the One that I am following didn’t make sense to the world either. The One that I am following came to serve and not to be served. The One that I am following said that the first shall be last. He did not say, “Be a leader”. He said, “Follow me”.
I want to live by the real Gospel, not the fluffy one that we Christians have invented in our minds. The real Gospel says to be humble. The real Gospel says to wash one another’s feet. The real Gospel says not to conform to this world. Most importantly, the real Gospel says that we are His Beloved. Without accomplishing anything, without leading anything, without doing anything, God loves me, and I belong to Him. Today, I choose to rest in the Father’s arms, free to be His child, exactly as He made me.
Several months ago, someone who came to visit our mission base in Haiti said this, and it has stuck with me ever since. After a ton of prayer, I feel like God is reminding me who He really created me to be. I think this struck me because recently, if I am honest, I have been tiring myself out trying to work for the Lord.
The word “leadership” has come up a lot in the past few years of my life. For some reason I felt like this was what people were telling me I needed to be. I thought that I had to lead something in order to have value. If I wasn’t given something to lead, it must be because I was doing something wrong, and maybe no one had the guts to tell me exactly what that “something” was. I lived in constant fear of disappointing others. I thought that if I wasn’t leading, then I must be failing. As someone who does not have a leadership title, I then spent the better part of two or three years feeling like I was failing most days.
It’s amazing to me that even as a missionary, praying a ton every day, a twisted mindset like this could somehow still enter into my mind.
I used to think that my job as a missionary was simply to love. There was a time that I was happy to serve, be little, and seek to be unnoticed. I used to think that my prayer was a gifted time of loving the Lord and being loved by Him. I used to rejoice in the knowledge that I am a human being, and not a “human doing”.
When all of this leadership language started happening around me, all of this changed. I started trying to accomplish things for God. I felt that I had to DO something well in order to matter to Him, and in order to matter to others. I started trying to earn His love, and everyone else’s love too. My prayer became less about loving God and letting him love me, and more about planning what I could do for Him that day. Even if I did accomplish something, do something well, or was affirmed by someone for something that I did, it didn’t ever feel like enough. I always felt like I needed to do more. I felt that if I only could do something perfectly, then I would be loved perfectly too. Everything became twisted.
Recently, I had a breakdown, breakthrough moment with the Lord, and decided to give it all up. I am tired of feeling a pressure to strive for something that makes me feel tired, anxious, and insecure. I miss the feeling of freedom that I used to have in the Father’s arms, before I thought that “leadership” mattered.
“I don’t want to work for the Lord. I want to belong to Him.” I don’t want to lead others. I want to love them. I don’t want to feel the need to prove myself by a position, but instead to lose my life (and all the social expectations that go along with it) for the Gospel. I want to live freely as the child of God that He created me to be. I don’t want to live according to the expectations of others. I do not belong to the world. I belong to the Lord. He is the one who tells me who to be.
So I have decided to throw out the word “leadership”, at least in the way that I have known it recently. If I have the courage to be who God calls me to be, then that is enough. If I have the courage to love how God calls me to love, then that is enough.
I will not strive for greatness but for littleness, so that I can be picked up in the arms of Jesus and carried to Heaven (thank you, St. Therese), because I cannot earn my way there with titles and accomplishments.
I am okay with a life that doesn’t make sense to the world, because the One that I am following didn’t make sense to the world either. The One that I am following came to serve and not to be served. The One that I am following said that the first shall be last. He did not say, “Be a leader”. He said, “Follow me”.
I want to live by the real Gospel, not the fluffy one that we Christians have invented in our minds. The real Gospel says to be humble. The real Gospel says to wash one another’s feet. The real Gospel says not to conform to this world. Most importantly, the real Gospel says that we are His Beloved. Without accomplishing anything, without leading anything, without doing anything, God loves me, and I belong to Him. Today, I choose to rest in the Father’s arms, free to be His child, exactly as He made me.
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