St. Therese, Missionary Fears, and Suburbia

I often wonder if St. Therese was insecure. I don’t mean that as an insult to her. I mean it as a vulnerable window into my own soul. I connect with St. Therese because I love when she talks about her littleness. And I think, “Gosh, I thought I was the only one who feels this way almost every day.” Now I am beginning to wonder if it’s not all of us, or most of us at least. Or maybe it is the youngest child syndrome. In any case, the way St. Therese turned her littleness into a reason to have confidence in God rather than herself helps me to give meaning too to my own feelings of smallness. If I think, “I can’t do it,” well then, I know that I am right. But God in His infinite goodness, power, and might CAN do it, and will do it in me. Therese’s weakness becomes her strength, and I hope this will prove true in my life also.


Today, I was reading about how St. Therese became the patroness of missionaries in 1927. I found myself in a moment of panic as I realized that I am not technically a missionary anymore. Is she no longer my patroness? Will she forget me now? I covered my face with my book and prayed, “Don’t let me go, girl.”  Thankfully, I’m pretty sure she’s got me still.

I spent my day hiking, being romanced by God, and re-reading large parts of my favorite book about St. Therese, called I Believe in Love. I read a lot about having unshakeable confidence in God and have realized that this is really what I need in this huge time of transition in my life.

I realized today that I am still afraid of many things – one of them is doing ministry by myself. Going out as sheep among wolves doesn’t seem as bad when you have a few other fluffy little sheep by your side to back you up. A couple days ago, many of my fellow sheep went back to Haiti and are together starting the mission year. Now I am faced with the reality that I have to face the wolves by myself – although that’s never really true, is it?

I’m having a hard time feeling that I will soon be a “normal” person. What if I forget my zeal, as I nearly did last week? How do I live in the world without succumbing to the temptation to be just like everyone else? Am I really living in America? Is this real? And finally, if St. Therese wanted to be a martyr, a priest, and a missionary but she was called to the convent . . . what will I do if the Lord calls me to something like a convent . . . or worse, suburbia? I guess I would have the chance to offer my suffering for the conversion of sinners – thanks St. Therese.

Here is a great quote I read today in I Believe in Love: “Let me tell you something strange: even the most beautiful souls, who burn to be in the Heart of Jesus, do not want to believe that confidence is the key which will open the door for them, because this door is a wound made by love. They look for other ways, as if this way were too beautiful to be reliable. How many times people have said to me, ‘It is too beautiful to be true.’ And I answer, ‘Jesus bought at a dear price, at the price of all his blood, the right to bring to earth something ‘too beautiful’.’ So what then? He calls me just as I am? I can go to him with all my miseries, all my weaknesses? He will repair what I have done badly? He will supply for all my indigence? Yes, provided that you go to him, that you count on him, that you expect everything of him, that you say with St. Paul . . . I can do all things in Him who is my only strength and my only virtue.” – Fr. Jean du Coeur de Jesus D’Elbee

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